Overcoming My Body Image Issues

Did you read that correctly?  Yes you did.

I had an interesting conversation today, where I had to explain my body image issues.  Yes.  Little ol' me.  

"But, you're already small.  How can you have body image issues?"

Being from the south, I've always struggled with my self image.  "You need to put some meat on those bones."  "You need to eat more so you can gain some weight."  "Here, have some more so you don't look so sickly."  "You got to gain some weight to say you're from the south."  "Eat your beans so you can look like you're being fed.  "You need a good woman in your life so you can gain some weight."  "Do you even have chest muscles?"

You get the idea.  I learned to tune a lot of the noise out, but the sense of inadequacy had been planted and grew like weeds within my head.  I never outwardly voiced or showed my uneasiness when confronted, but you're not still reading for the long psychological review of my past.

Short story, I buried it and learned to ignore the issue mostly.  

Then I was confronted with health issues a few years ago, where my running story began.  My body image issues resurged with a vengeance as I sought a solution to overcome my declining health and reduce my stress.

Like everyone, my initial thinking to change my health was to join a gym.  So off to the gym I went.  Being small I have always been intimidated by gyms, as I don't have the "look" that I belong in one of those places.  The person that took me on a tour asked all of the questions they're supposed to ask as they sold me on why I should be a member.  

When I responded "I'm looking to get into cardio", was the trigger to awaken the body image monster I've ignored for so long.  

"Oh so you're a runner", they assumed with enthusiasm.  "I should have known with your frame." 

I sunk within myself as I knew I couldn't exert myself longer than 5 minutes without breaking into a death spiral.  They continued and I don't remember after that as I heard the roar of my horrible body image from the blackness of the recesses of my mind.

Few days later, I'm at the gym.  Long pants to cover my skinny legs.  I think to myself, wrong time to be at the gym as it was near full.  There was only a couple of treadmills available and they were in what my mind perceived the middle of the room with a spot light on them from the overwhelmingly bright lights overhead to ensure everyone within the gym could see the spectacle that is me attempt to run.  

I know, the world wasn't there to see me.  But that is how I felt within my mind.  

It was such a monumental fail for me, I never returned.  

But my blood pressure wasn't dropping and my stress levels were still through the roof.  I had to do something.  I began attempting to do workouts in the house with the tele, with the standards like Insanity.  LOL!  That didn't last long initially.

I remember the first time trying to do Insanity in my living room, before long (7-10 minutes) I was sitting on the couch, eating Doritos, and critiquing the video wondering how they expect me to do this craziness when the participants on the tele can barely keep up with bodies that look like they're chiseled out of marble?  Plus, they're paid to do this.  Silly Rabbits.  This that bullshit, I thought. 

I began publicly sharing I was having health issues, this too became a nightmare within my head. Why?  People tend to associate health issues with body size, something they can see.  I was not fitting that expectation of unfit or unhealthy for blood pressure issues because of my small frame.  Isn't that a "big" person problem?  How can I have health issues, if anything I need to eat more.  So I retreated even more.  

But my blood pressure wasn't getting any better.  My stress wasn't easing up.  My health was still declining.  

So I find myself at the park, sitting in the car.  Long running pants because I don't want anyone to see my little legs.  Once again I feel as if the world is looking at me, wondering why I'm just sitting in the car?

With iPhone in hand, I fired up the couch to 5k app to make sure it was working.  It was a cool day.  Constitution trail, a paved trail that ran through town, was a few yards away.  I took a deep breath and opened the door and began my journey that slowly brought me to where we are today.  

I remember thinking everyone was looking at me.  I remember the kids that ran by as I was on my walk breaks between running for a mere 15 seconds at a time.  

But what happened that day was huge.  I wasn't out long.  I didn't get far.  But that day was the day that my goal became larger than my ego or my pride.  

As I experienced tiny very small gains my goal and resolve grew stronger, which caused my ego+pride to shrink and slowly diminish.

In time, long jogging pants became shorts.  Oversized Large t shirts to hide my small frame became properly sized mediums to better allow my arms to move and my body to dispensate heat.  

The demons of my body image still plague me from time to time.  I'm still sensitive.  They will forever be with me, but I've learned to live with them and accept myself more for who I am and NOT what others expect me to be.  

While I was concerned about my health physically, the largest gains I've had on this journey is overcoming my socially instilled mental and psychological barriers that were preventing me from being the greatest me that I know. 

If you're struggling with your image, I understand.  I see you.  

Know this, everyone has body image issues.  It's the reason gyms and informercials exists.  Even those folks you see with bodies you envy, have issues.  Don't get it twisted.  Don't loose yourself in someone else's expectation of the individual you are.  There is no perfect body shape or type.  But there is you're body type.  Your body shape.  Individually yours.  

While you can craft and sculpt and change and alter it to some extent within limitations, you are still uniquely you.  And no body sculpting can change who YOU are.  

Make sure YOUR goals are larger than your pride and ego.  Only then will the voices inside subside.  They wont go away, but they will at least stop yelling.

Inner voice whispers "You still have skinny legs, lil fucker." Sticks tongue out at self 😛 as I grab headphones to get tonight's run done in short ass shorts!  Y'all be good.