Why 100 miles? On the surface: Pt1

"Very few people will run a 100 miles.   60% at best finish.  You're going into this experience knowing that there's already a 40 -50% chance of you failing."

I can sit here and wax poetic a lot of bullshit that sounds good.  About the kids.  The Make A Wish Foundation.  The spiritual enlightenment.  The journey.  

I'll spare you.  But mostly I'll spare myself.  

So let's get real.  Let's get real about me.  About my journey - pun intended.  About how I got to this place where I'm now facing the challenge of 100 miles within 30 hours.  Why I want to finish a hundred miler?

What's funny is I remember during my 100K telling Jamila Williams "there's no need for me to go any further."  "I don't need to do this ever again."  

You've heard it time and time again.  Endurance athletes who have pushed themselves to their perceived limits declaring they've been to the mountain top and there's no need to go back!  Yet, the moment you see the sun rise again at elevation you realize there's nothing like being on that peak through the pain and suffering, where you feel most alive and near dead simultaneously as the sun sets on the distant horizon.   

...and there's the call from the darkness that returns.  

The call is gentle and deceiving in how it embraces you during the recovery phase. You're in pain.  You're still on a post adrenaline high.  Yet, somehow you don't feel as bad as you "thought" you would feel.  You begin to think through the logistics of it all.  Despite the fact you threw all your plans out the fucking door at some point during the race, you rationalize that some how, some way, the darkness, the pain, the suffering wasn't "that" horrid.  

Before long within my head I remember thinking "I was 'only' another 50K from 100 miles and I still had 10 hours to spare.  That's doable."  - Gotcha byotch!- [here that? the ringing from the darkness has stopped because you picked up the phone]

And that's where it started for me.  

I found myself a month or so later at a work assignment talking to a coworker about my 100K experience.  I was excited that she knew what I was talking about and the concept wasn't foreign to her.  That was my warning to walk away.  But I did not.  

Before long, she shared that a relative of her's just finished his first 100 miler.   (cue Jason background noise - walk away Ed).  Too late.  Because you know that in your mind, you've already have made the declaration that there's nothing that can get in your other dream's way if you can finish a 100 miler (despite you saying earlier that a 100K could do it, somewhere in your sub conscience you edited that to 100 freaking miles post 100K).  

The research began promptly.  Reading blog posts of people's first experience with the distance.  The trials.  The tribulations.  It all sounded familiar.  Just drawn out.  Longer.  Deeper.  Darker.  

Have I become some crazed addict?  Has the dog finally gotten me?  Who am I kidding?  Who am I lying to?  The dark dog has been with me for quite some time, so buckle up butter cup.  

Here's where I have to let you inside.  Life isn't a television sitcom where everything eventually turns out already.  Where at the end of the day, music plays and the audience laughs in delight at the resolve of never ending conflict until the next 20 minute episode.  

If there's a American equivalent, then life is more like a Netflix original with a content warning in your face before the title screen appears.  It's messy.  There's ugliness.  And all the conflicts will not nicely resolve themselves before the end.  

Never the one to perceive that life was some Toyota commercial where one would jump into the air and click their heels in delight.  No.  I've been a realist.  However sometimes life is like a rogue wave that you never see coming and before you know it, you've been pulled under.  You don't know if you can resurface for air.  And if you do, you may find yourself miles from shore without the means or the will to dog paddle.  

Yeah that's life.  That's not to depress any of you.  But let's be real.  Life is messy.  Life is hard.  But life is also powerful, inspiring, and delightful.  Yeah, sounds crazy. 

Yet the extremes coexist and we are...  You, me, each of us individually in our own twisted crazed realities, caught in the middle of the balance.  Thrown from side to side in a never ending washing cycle of delight and dread, with moments of nothingness, peace, and calm.  Strange.  

But I digress, never leaving the point, endurance running is a small synopsis of life.  

No matter how much you train.  No matter how much you prepare.  No matter how detailed the plan. In the midst of an endurance event, all your shit will be tossed to and fro.  You will be stripped of your pride, your self esteem, your self worth, and your dignity.  The world will become simplified, in ways social media, tele commercials, and news broadcasts can't communicate (primarily because doing so doesn't generate money).  

But you still have to prepare and train, knowing that you're going to need those tools you gained during your training to survive the onslaught of the unexpected.  The unexpected is coming.  You can bet your bottom dollar a bill is coming with your name on it.  It may be named weather, nutrition, gear, shoes, socks, strange pain, course conditions, weird life shit, stomach issues, shoe laces, chaffing, sunburn, or a variety of other names you can throw at the wall of colorfulness.

There's the saying if you don't have money in the bank, you won't have shit to pay when the bills are due on the course.  And you will pay at some point during a distance run.  So hold on to your little tu-tu and get ready for the ride, it's going to be a rough one.     

Who gives a fuck about the bills when your body is screaming to stop!  Who gives a damned about emotional missteps when you're sleep deprived and still pushing forward.  The world is less cruel when complete strangers look into your cold dead eyes with a smile to offer you the best cup of warm chicken broth you've ever tasted.  Your petty grievances about not being able to get that new rose gold MacBook ceases to exists, when you worry if that pain is something that will take you out today and come back to take you down 20 years from now if you live through the night.  

Endurance sports strip away the layers I allow the world to place upon me.  Running provides a means to turn "off" the noise and get back to the basics.  The primary basics of making sure that 1) I'm alright; 2) What do I need? 3)What is important in this moment right now?  4)Review the prior three and don't lie this time.

We're trained to be too nice to each other in all the wrong ways and end up hurting each other when the lies can no longer be sustained behind veiled walls of deception to primarily ourselves and the folks we love.  Yeah, chew on that for a moment.  

Can I do all of this without going through the pain and suffering of 100 miles?  I sure can.  Happily do so daily.  It's become my way of life.  

But to set foot out there on the start with 100 miles to go has become my way of living.  It's my passion.  It's my addiction.  It's my freedom.  It's my breath of fresh air between the waves of life.   

So instead of stressing about the daily bullshit that means nothing in the grand scheme of my existence, I have found myself taking the opportunities provided to me in the brief existence and making some memories for myself before it's all over.  And no I don't have to run 100 miles to do so, I'm thankful and blessed that I have the opportunity and the means to try.  So I will.  

It is a journey.  I've learned to chase down sunsets, just to enjoy the beauty when I have the chance.  To admire the things I once feared (some still from quite the distance).  To bring simplicity to a world that has become entirely too complexed.  I've learned to pause and marvel at the sound of my heartbeat in my ears after a hard run.  Marvelous thing I've ignored way too long and by doing so put myself at risk at one point.  

I still have my fears.  I'm still have room for personal development and growth.  I'm still emotionally distant.  I'm still caught in my own head way too often.  I'm overthink things.  I still try to solve way too many problems that either a) not my problem to solve b) can be solved.  I'm still stubborn as shit (a unifying trait amongst ultra runners strangely). 

But the question still remains Ed.  Why 100 miles?  Because for once, I can say to myself "why not?"

Seriously.  "Why da fuck not?"  I only got one ride on this marry go round called life, and this is something huge to me.  And I actually believe it's possible.  So the question I pose to myself is "why not?"

I began this running journey because my health was at jeopardy.  And somehow. some way.  Through a lot of hard work and effort, I've found myself here where the idea.  The concept.  It's possible.  

I never once thought just a mere 18 months ago that such a thing was possible for me.  So since it is, let's do this while I can.  

This may all feel like it became touchy feely at some point.  Waxing poetic so to speak to steal a phrase used earlier.  But at this moment.  This time in space.  These are the thoughts going through my mind about this opportunity and the many opportunities that come with training for a 100 miler that isn't bullshit.  ...and yes, there are the kids.  😀

In short; Don't miss your opportunities, regardless of how big or small they maybe.

Maybe next time we'll dig a little deeper in Pt2.