A Failing Love - A Runner's Story

4:55 PM
I'm learning to share more intimate details of my life with the world, despite being an introvert.  Maybe this is for my healing more than it is to share with all of you.  Maybe I'll delete this later.  Maybe I wont. 

I'm sure many of you have had similar situations and I know I'm not the only one who has found themselves staring at the end of a relationship that went from bliss to pain. 

Why are you doing this to me?  I inquire. 
Did I do something wrong?  Did I hurt you?  I inquire further. 
Why did you have to hurt me like that?  Why?  You!  I had fallen in love with you!  And now this!?!

...but how did we get here?  How did a relationship so fraught with perfection fall so fast.  Is it true that intense relationships burn hot and fast.  And now have we burned up? 

It seems like yesterday when I was out on a scouting meeting to meet with a potential client.  The sun was out.  It was a hot Arizona summer day.  Just pass 5 0'clock.

My main man E is here!  What's up E!  We exchanged pleasantries as he escorted me to the meeting area with the potential client.   

As E was introducing me to the client, you caught my eye.  You were to my left.  As if sitting on a pedestal with the light shinning just right to glance off your profile to accentuate your tones and to me made you stand out from the crowd. 

After some idle chatter with E and discussing my business needs and why this potential client could be a good fit, I leaned over to E and inquired about you.

He responded with excitement and asked if I wanted a formal introduction.  My heart was flattered and my face flushed, I responded yes.

In my mind, I wondered if I was playing in the wrong league.  But you know what they say, you never know until you ask or try. 

I was initially intimidated, but I didn't show it.  I've learned to keep my emotions hidden behind the mask of my smile. 

Hi! I quibbled.   After some initial back and forth, we both felt that something between us and we got beyond formalities. Our first date was actually on that day. 

We went for a short run and maybe I was in awe of everything.  Taken aback by the lightness of your touch.  The way you encouraged me to go at my pace and provided a system of support unlike anything I had felt or experienced before. 

I was struck.  And you knew it. 

Maybe you took advantage of that from day one, but to me it was all bliss. 

We went out routinely.  Watching the beautiful Arizona sunsets on the greenbelt together.  Like this day.  Remember this day we ran along the greenbelt?  - no response -

I do...   

I was in my green Ink N Burn shirt.  It was a little humid outside.  But as always you were your light snappy, and happy self.  Dressed in light slightly off white, with blue and red accents. 
- small smile remembering this moment -

There was that one time we went running at Tempe Town Lake with the fellas!  I remember one of the guys asking about you in awe.  Yeah, I had a moment of pride to have you with me that day

Our time together became an important part of my life and you supported me through some tough training moments for Javelina. 

And maybe that was the issue.  The underlying fault of our relationship. 

It is said there is only one relationship status for endurance athletes in training.  It's not "single" or "in a relationship" it is simply "in training"Period.  There is nothing else. 

In addition to my training, I'm a streaker, so double trouble I guess.  I should have known only a matter of time before time itself tore us apart in some form or another.

We, or more appropriately, I , survived and completed the infamous Javelina Jundred.  Because after Javelina you started treating me awful.

An abusive nature appeared.  And I know deep within your response was reacting to the new me which emerged from the completion of another 100 miler.

For those who don't know, after every ultra event, a different body emerges from the pits of an ultra.  A different mindset.  A different stride.  A different physiology.  

And you wanted nothing to do with the new me.  And you made sure to make it perfectly clear you didn't.  I tried to force a relationship that had changed.  Essentially ended.  A combination of me feeling hurt by you and my increasing abandonment of you.

I admit, I started spending more time with others.  I felt more comfortable with them than you.  Maybe I wore you out, but I'm afraid to even determine if that's the case because of how much pain I feel when I spend any time with you now.   

And that's how we have arrived at this point where we have to go our seperate ways.  At least for now.  Maybe one day I can accept you for who you are and how we interact in this new me. 

But until then, I have to put you on the shelf and await that day.  Maybe that day will never come and you'll end up in the hands of another. 

Just know, when we were in sync, you were everything to me.  Without you I don't know if I would have survived Javelina.  

I have nothing but good things to say about you when others doubted you or thought you were "that" type. 

I'm no longer a fit for you and I don't want to hurt myself by trying to make you something you're not. 

I took a chance and you aided and supported this average slower runner well.  I still Love you my Hoka Carbon Xs.  We just can't run together any more right now.  

Just know after the many miles we've shared, I can proclaim you're not a shoe just for "fast speedy runners" but a versatile shoe that can be used as a daily trainer to log serious cushioned supported miles for the average slower runner - like me. 

And that carbon plate!  The way it feels and the things it does to support a stride, rocking and propelling a runner forward with the right foot strike!  Wow... 

Despite your positives, my stride changed significantly after Javelina and as a result all your positives have become negatives for me.

This is good bye.  For now.  -places on shelf and takes picture-

No comments:

Powered by Blogger.