Bikram Hot Yoga: Wait, What?

Let's rewind the clock before things got so delirious, the only thing I could do is quietly laugh with an ever-present crazy ass smile on my face.

People at work...  Need I say more?  Okay, I will fill in the missing space.  So, several of my co-workers have gotten into this hot yoga thing at a place down the street from the office.  So aggressively so, they will go during lunch.

Being the sucker that I am...  And trying to stay true to my word to "participate" I commit.

Now for y'all who think I'm smart.  I'm not really that bright.  Surprise I've made it this far in life.  I have no clue what Yoga really is, outside of what I've seen on the tele, movies, and maybe the reference to a move or two in Shawn T's T-25 videos.  That's it.

I've heard about this "hot" Yoga thing, but never really looked into it to know what the hell it is.  And the pun of "hell" in that prior statement is intended.

I digress.

I show up.  I'm hit with the no shoes beyond this point sign.  I'm like "really."  I'm a little of a germaphobe.  Okay, a lot of one.  So we're not off to what I would like to say a stellar start.

There are cartoons of satan to great you with a devilishly sly smile on its face.  Sorta as if the devil is smirking at you to warn you of sorts.

Check-in.  Sign the waiver.  Wait, what?  waiver!  Gentle nervous laugh as my eyes quickly glances over the document.  It's the basic if you die.  "Oh well, sucks to be you waiver.  We ain't got ish to do with it.  Peace be with you.

Take the quick tour of the facilities, which I notice is a little on the warm side.  I'm quickly told the studio is a whole lot hotter.

Skipping through a few more niceties.  Everyone is very nice, friendly, and warm (literally).  There's a couple of friendly dogs I believe is waiting for someone to take them outside out of the interior sauna we're in.

Co-worker shows up and before long, we enter the hot box...

120 degrees and the humidity is as high as they can get it.  I swear I saw vines growing in the corner (I'm joking, but damned it was hot).

My initial thought was "Damned It's hot!   I thought Arizona in the middle of summer was hot!  This makes an August in Florida feels like February in Chicago."  Your breath is taken away as your lungs fill with the hot humidity of a demons fart.

My germaphobia kicks up another notch as the thought "This place is a suitable pantry dish for death spawned ebola derivatives!"

I calm myself and put all my fears aside.  Put my mat down on the floor.  Grab accessories that I don't know what they do or what they are for, but I will quickly find out later as my body succumbs to the various positions and the heat.  The accessories are handicap aids!

Things start off calmly with some relaxation and breathing exercises, which are needed because your heart rate is about to go up and you need as much air as possible.

The next 58 minutes or so is filled with...

You wanna me to grab a what where and pull what?

Wait, What?

How?

OMG its so hot!

Can we take 5?

Laughter (because we can't even think straight anymore).

Thoughts (Oh shit we still have 17 minutes left)

What is she grabbing back there?  Is this help?  Mommy!

Laying on my back thinking "I'm alive!"

Hot Yoga kicked my ass!  Look if you're working for a bodyweight workout that stretches your muscles, challenge your core,  and will have the strongest micro bodybuilder looking like a weakling because their core and flexibility ain't shit, this is the class for you!  Oh, and heat will excrete every toxin and drop of water out of your body within 15 minutes.  I didn't know my toenails could sweat!

And if you are self-conscious, hot yoga is where it is!  Because ain't nobody got time to be looking at how your ass looks when fuckers can barely breath up in this byotch!

When I could finally gather myself together and get up, I was in a state of "what da hell just happened?"

I've never been in a room full of hot women before and wanted nothing more than to escape!  But I could barely move and transition from move to move.

The instructor was kind and soft-spoken, yet Hannah was all in my head as if she somehow became my conscience pushing my body from within to...  I can't even explain these positions!  I think I may have been in the advanced class.

Now here's where things get a little confusing and conflicted for me.  I ran my mandatory mile afterward, which felt effortless considering what I went through.  I had a moment while driving to the hotel, I felt like I shouldn't be driving.  As if I was tipsy?  But I swear I haven't had a drop of alcohol officer!

But an hour or two later in the hotel.   A sense of calm came over me I haven't felt in a while.  A true peace for a moment, until I fell asleep into the deepest most restful sleep I've had in a very long time! I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and relaxed.  Without a hint of pain or soreness from the romp with Satan last night.

Interesting.   Was this a result of Hot Yoga?  I'm not sure.  I'm curious though.  I'm pondering if another round is worth the experience to determine if the calmness and sleep was a direct link?

I haven't read up on Bikram Hot Yoga.  So I'm not sure of the benefits if any there are.  I will say the positions and the routine, without the heat, did target and expose my weaknesses within my body and core I'm aware of.  My right leg/ankle was challenged in ways nothing I've done in the gym or on the trails could have targeted so intently.  My lack of flexibility in my quads were taxed beyond anything my Physical Therapist has ever done to me, or my Roller 8, both of whom I hate.

So I know in the recesses of my mind, there were some benefits to me.  But...  that "hot" part.   My jury is still out on that.

However, I will give props to my instructor, Hannah, who was a calming yet driving voice in my tour through Hades.  They don't call it "Yoga Hell" because they are being funny.  You will visit hell and you will sleep like a baby for enduring the trip.