journey from the INSIDE out

Hands on waist. Heart racing. Just breathe! OMG! Oh my, that was difficult. “Did I just run a marathon?” you think to self.

Nope. You just finished walking up one flight of stairs to the 2nd floor. 

2012 Was the year. This was my reality. 

Just 10lbs heavier. I was slim. I had the “appearance” of health according the poll of popular media and social opinion. But I had found myself convicted and serving time in the prison of dangerously life threatening high blood pressure, in the cell block of extreme mental fatigue, sharing a cell with the angel of death.

With the proposed death sentence at hand, I decided I wanted out this self-imposed prison. I wanted to live. Free from the drug dealer my doc transformed into.

Many times when we set out on expeditions of self-improvement, we do so without proper preparation. Occasionally to the folly of some fvcked New Year’s resolution. To up that online social status for a few days or weeks leading up and immediately after the turn of the year. Jumping on the bandwagon waiting for someone else to bail to make it easy to bail as well.

Other times the journey is taken in an attempt to remove the social stigmas placed upon us by not conforming to some expected reality of the shell of a person that we’ve become as a result of buying into other’s expectations for us. Constantly bombarded under the pressure of capitalism to consume products or ideologies to “assist” with the transformation of the better “outer” you….

These false prophets never proclaim how the true battle begins inside and does not require any payment or debt to anyone.

I knew I was going to have to turn everything upside down INSIDE out. It had to willingly accept my decisions had brought me to this place of misplaced health. I had to take ownership of MY contributions through repeated inaction or lack of judgment. This situation was my doing and it would be by MY hand that I continue to LIVE in despair or prosper in HEALTH!

The initial steps were small. Parking farther from the front door despite the bitter cold. Walking to the second floor of my place of work. Walking up to the fourth floor for lunch. Eating from the salad bar, no cheese no salad dressing! Taking occasional scrutiny from others that exclaimed in sly disgust “you’re eating your salad plain?” or “No lettuce I see. Just spinach base. But you’re so small already, you don’t need to lose weight.”

I’ll never forget the night I had to hold ground against a close and dear friend whom I was drinking buddies with for years. “No alcohol for me. Not drinking anymore until I get this under control.” There was pressure, but this wasn’t about social acceptance, this was about MY life. 

The decision to change, to alter one’s self is intimately personnel and has to be about the INDIVIDUAL and NO ONE else. It has to start from within.

The external physical manifestation of true change is the result of an internal transformation that has occurred sometimes weeks, months, or even years before others begin to “take” notice.

Too often we “announce” our intentions to the world in a cry for attention for someone to help us when we feel isolated, alone, wronged, or forgotten. These cries lead to the substantial “Like” (thumbs up) support we crave but has no roots. So we’re left with the roller coaster ride of external “ups” and “downs.”

My transformation to where I am today didn’t start with a Facebook post or even a declaration to my family and friends. It started off quietly. Internally. With those closest in my concentric circles eventually noticing “small” things that I changed for MYSELF when I did “typical” things.

Our culture focuses too much on the external physical features that are supposed to “fit” in this “success” mold. Success if evidenced by [insert your own model, product placement, or mantra to physically alter yourself here – they are easy to find; just turn on the TV, surf the web, or open a magazine].

The motivational thing about runners is seeing all of the non-conforming, non-stereotypes out there doing that thing in amazing ways.

When I was training to simply complete my first marathon, I remember seeing this late 60’s / early 70’s individual out on the route I would take “killing it!” I remember saying to myself as I was struggling internally to even motivating myself to maintaining a 12:45 per mile pace, “one day I want to grow up and be like them.” 

Yes I’m vocal on social media. I have grown mentally and physically through my struggles and I have plenty room to grow and improve.

However, I’m now strong enough to swiftly deal with the trolls on these social webs without losing a moment of sleep. Critique me, talk about me, and discuss among yourselves whatever you wish. There's plenty to be said, and I have much more for haters to hate about. Plus, I'm comfortable with me thus I don’t give a fvck.

I want to reach that someone, somewhere, that is still locked in the prison of self-doubt after repeated attempts to escape the perils of inaction or indecision. Your escape is free and it begins internally. You and others may not see external results for YEARS. But whatever it is you want to achieve that you’ve been struggling with, you have to start because YOU want to start for YOU. And NO ONE other than you will notice what seems to be an initial insignificant but monumental step. 

Best advice I got from the elders was to “Keep your business behind closed doors. There’s too many people in the world that don’t want you to succeed. Don’t help them.” Remember you live INSIDE your home to protect you from the elements of the world, not outside in the elements admiring decaying paint.

Every renovation begins from INSIDE. And some trolls are going to say, “but gsleeve, what about a roof leak? You have to fix that first don’t ‘cha?” Byotch! STFU. Leaks reveal themselves from INSIDE.

Once identified, change always begins from the INSIDE out

I didn't set out to write this long piece tonight, yet here it is. I assume someone, some where is ready and needed to hear a part of my running origin story.

Remember be good, do you, and strive to be the better you you know. 

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